Sometimes I just sit here and do nothing but thinking about what happened, happens and will happen. I realize that it’s my decision, my choice. But it ain’t always that easy to change or just stay. What’s the best for me for you for everybody? And especially … Am I making this world a better place? Isn’t that the most important topic in planning your future and your do’s and don’ts? I wonder what will be next but I wonder even more what I am going to do now. Sometimes life seems to take control and I feel unpowered of self-detachment and encourage. I need to be strong to fur fill every dream in my life but for now it’s even hard to find out what my dreams in life are. So if I don’t know what I really REALLY want, how can I know what to do and what’s best to do.
People always talk about purpose and the reason why you’re here. But I am here without a reason. And yes, there are things I really love to do but I wonder whether those are really what I have to do in life because they are just material dreams? I don’t think I’m born for a material dream . and when I go left I wonder why I didn’t go right and whether it is wrong or right. And oh no, time, is such a gift when it is large but most of the time I feel already hurried by finding the love of my life. Maybe because I desire too much.
I want to be free, I want to travel, I want to have enough money to make everything happen that happens in my mind, I wanna love and receive even more. To be able to give more than I already gave and I wanna be so happy and feel released of all teases and pains of the past but at last at least I need answers and security, I want to feel safe even though I am free to go wherever I want. Is it allowed to feel sorry for myself about my father? Is it allowed to care some regrets and hurting’s with me? I wonder why he left me over here without saying goodbye but that doesn’t withhold me from getting further, I think. Because probably it made me stronger than ever before, of course yes.
Where is this all leading to? This text, this life I’m leading, am I leading it however? Or is some higher power sending me on a path which I just walk and do I have to trust deeper en fuller? Yes; but I wanna decide a few things that destiny doesn’t seem to be responsible for. Sometimes I feel like given a little bit of space to change those plans from above a little bit to make it less boring or something like that. But those decisions are really thug! I really would love to be able to talk about it with someone, someone I don’t have? Maybe that’s another big topic in life, especially my life, making friends and being able to love them with all my heart. Making time for them without wanting to make advantages of them. Somehow I have the feeling I do sometimes. I cannot force myself into making new friendships or improving old ones but I desire to have a real good friend. Or a few, to be honest. And a lover that loves me more than my mum and dad ever did together. I am afraid I do not even know what real love is because I’m used to see people loving each other but actually needing each other for several reasons or fears. And I don’t want that in my life, but ending up alone, is that better than? Do I have to become more naïve and less realistic. Do I have to accept that life is pretending that love is true and that fears are stronger and that relationships are important. Well I try to find out, walking here alone.
Do you recognize the feeling of having everything you thought you needed and then sitting there, with everything that you thought you needed in your hands, and totally don’t know what to do with it, how to feel about it and wondering deeply why you ever thought you needed it? They say the way to the goal is more important than the goal but I wonder why people keep making goals. You know, I had the feeling of having it all, one day, I remember, I was in Curacao and having the most wonderful experiences of my life. I was so truly happy and fulfilled of joy and beauty around me. At that moment, I turned around to see whether I could share my completeness but there was nobody. And from that one moment to the other I realized that no money, success or beauty in the world could replace the value of love. Suddenly I felt more empty then complete and I realized how stupid I had been by thinking that materialism could fur fill my life. I realized and since then, never forgotten anymore, that balance is so important. You see that money means nothing when you cannot share it and that success leads you forward but when you end up high in the sky there’s no place to fall, you can only get stuck into a wall and look into the mirror to see things clearer. Love is such a valuable thing, so many people desire, so many people do need more love, just like me, and probably you. Do you feel surrounded by those millions? I really don’t, but I know a lot of them miss it too. So why, is it such an empty living? Let me just hope that that will change soon…
They say that if you start loving, love will find a way back to you. I try to love but I don’t know who I can love. I am afraid to love, my neighbor and my teacher and my dentist and my driver and my boss and my mum and … There are plenty of reasons that withhold me from loving but that are also plenty of reasons that make me desire for love. Maybe I should learn something from that. If my proud and ego are bigger than my opportunity to give love than I have two choices: accept that I can’t be loved or put my ego and proud aside to make place for love. Some things in life, you just cannot combine. That’s true, that’s easy. Oh god, there is so many wisdom in this world that I would like to discover J
And because I want to share a little bit of my wisdom with you, I want to ask you to be grateful for life, for living it, for the people who you’re living it with, for the places you’re living it in and so on. Why? The best question of course in your whole life: because being thankful is very important in life. Why? Because feeling blessed in this world makes you love the world more, automatically. And if you start loving more, more love will find its way to your heart. So love deep, from your heart.
From Julie with Love
(Written 21 December 2010.)